Writing Assignment

This morning my writing assignment was to write about the gut worms that are being held:

unleash the gut worms I guess means that you want me to throw it all up, the voices, the doubt, the unknown features that merrily venture through my mind, I am lost in the sense that I have no idea what is going on, not happy nor sad, in a moment of transformation where I believe you don't sit still with any feeling, because the cross over from world to spiritual has no comparison

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

In Love with Love

What is love to you? Do you still experience that childhood crush feeling in your heart. When you hear his/her voice behind you and the vibrations in you burst out in a racing heart and blushed cheeks. Do you remember the first time he/she said "I love you"? The look you give each other a year later and know the love has not drifted.

Have you experienced these things with yourself? There is a deep inner vibration that eludes on the love you can provide to yourself. The more love you give in the more others want to give as well.

You owe it to your soul to love with unconditional desire. Nothing and I mean nothing should move you to love less. There is a key to mastering this, and it doesn't come from a call to your friend to gossip about what he/she did. Nor does it come from filling up with anger when you are unsure if you should love. It comes from peace of love, the falling in love with love that it becomes all you choose.

I have returned to in love with love, and I say return because it is where I come from. There is no falling in love, there is a return to it.
Do not seek to find it, simply let go and return to it.

"The feather fell from the sky and the lightness of its fall was an illusion that forced me to use the word fall... the reality of its glide and lifting of its peace allowed me to see the levitation of life and know the word love"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Our Daily Journal

I was reading Our Daily Journal this morning and it read:

So the word family connotes unity, and it also suggests a bond deeper than citizenship. It’s a relationship made possible by the blood of Christ, and it has nothing to do with how we feel about one another. It also necessitates that we put aside our prejudices, and that we should serve and care for one another, for we are God’s family.

If you are close to me then you know that I have had a struggle since childhood with family. Always feeling like the black sheep of the family. Never feeling loved or enough. In my 20's I reached out to some family members to express how I felt, but I got nothing fulfilling in return. Now in my 30's I have been on a quest or maybe it is naturally happening since I hear women find themselves when they reach 35.

Well my quest has brought about many findings and the most important one is my inner self. I have found that a woman needs only one thing and that is love. She does not always need it coming back to her if she holds it center within her. Love is my center, it is my attention, my life. I need not approve of everyone in my life, what they are doing or what they have become. I love my family, I love my friends, I love the people that make me feel uncomfortable and comfortable. I love the new people in my life and the old ones. I love my mistakes and my achievements. I love my hair, my body, my personality. I love my house, my car, the birds, the trees. I love writing, laughing, disagreeing. I love honesty and I love lies. I love pain and joy.

I don't question is something is worth loving. I don't way the options of how much I should love or when I should and shouldn't love. I love... and I tell you love is a powerful thing! When I speak the words they come out different, because the inner that these words are coming from is different.

"I never stood, until I stood in love, leaving all else blind"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Material Things

I think we put so much degree on material things because they are visual in sight and physical in touch, we create greed for it because others can see it, making one feel important or worth something. The feeding of it fills and it taste good for some time, be we all know too much of a good thing is not a good thing, therefore you will eventually become sick.

In broken relationships it's the first thing people go after to "get back" because of its visual/physical. We feel there is no proof in getting back what is really important and that is the trust, love and joy. The true loss that can only be found in ourselves. Let's be human for a moment though, how many of us look at ourselves when relationships end or when we are trying to grab the attention of the world. We don't, because we are too busy looking at the other person. The world that can care less about us but still we try to 'flash' for them. The ex that is ready to leave you and yet every material thing possible you try to grab, hoping that will replace any and everything that lacks within. It is human of us to do this, but it is spiritual for us to let go.

I have experienced having friends who fed off of gaining more material things than me, I have experienced ex's that wanted every material thing back from me and I have experienced being greedy of material things myself. I was so fed up, uptight and too tight.

I let it all go and the things that were able to start pouring into my life were looked upon as 'material things' to the human eye. But I knew a better word; blessings.

I want no part of a material world, I want the most simple things. The things that blind no one, I want the peaceful things that push no one away. I want persons walking by me to have spiritual sight and see blessings not material. You can not cut me, pin me, place holes in me to button me, zipper me, or sew me. I am not material, I am spiritual. Every time you see me, you will see me.

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani

Listed Problems

I listed all of my problems today. Go ahead, you can ask me how long my list was, but I'm not going to tell. That is not the point, what is the point is this. I have no problems, you may find that hard to believe, but it is true. Freedom is not a word that only fits in certain areas. When God came into my life years ago, I still walked around like I was not complete, like I had all these problems. But I was lieing to myself and the problems were lieing to me each time they tried to out due themselves. I would take one problem and compare it to another, or I would compare how upset or down I should be based off these problems. I could not figure out how to release myself from all of these things that I thought following God would do. Slowly and surely, I started to learn about my eyes, my ears, my speech and ultimately my mind. I share this with you and hope that it stays with you.

Definition of Problem: a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome and harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome. (Websters Dictionary)

"what you don't situate as a matter, what you don't regard as needing to keep away, what you don't see harmful, what you don't dwell on to deal with, simply comes over as delight and God given... everything is a matter of mindfulness"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

The Mirror

Last night I went to the gym with myself, it was different than what I have been doing. Teaming up with a friend as a motivator to get the hour and half work out in 4 times a week. Yet last night I had to be my own motivator, I had to push through the cardio and I kept telling myself, let go, release and how easy this will be. I needed that sweat pouring, dropped down pony tail, body sore, giving my all feeling to hit me like the music that blasted in my ears. There was so much around me; people. That one word alone was enough for me to concentrate on something else; them.
As my Pandora locked in the middle of my run I thought, not now, don't do this to me. How could I possibly run on this treadmill without my music to zone me out. As I decided to leave it stuck and not attempt to run and change stations at the same time the music started. I laughed at myself, something I do often and I find it liberating.
Ten minutes later I realized I had nothing in sight but my feet, as I was looking down at the pace I was going. I ran like I needed to, just enough to release whatever was stuck in me. Moving on to other machines in the gym my workout was very enjoyable. Sweat dripping off of me and I could not stop it. I allowed all of the sweat to pour out of me because it needed to and I needed it to.
When I arrived home I wanted to look in the mirror, but I was so weak that I could only make it to the shower and into my bed. I rose this morning eager to look in the mirror, as if that workout was going to change my appearance in a matter of hours. I decided not to look, instead I told myself "I love my body". I got dressed and again I wanted to look in the mirror, to approve what I'm not really sure, but I decided not to and again I told myself "I love my body". I unwrapped my hair from my scarf and all of my curls fell to my face, I loved what I saw. Dark, curly and fluffy, the smell of my oils that ran through from my scalp to the ends was refreshing. I never looked in the mirror not once, but I remembered my shower the night before, how the water washed over my body and my hair fell over me with such beauty. I kept saying to myself "I love my hair". And that had changed in a matter of hours, the simple spoken words of truth. I didn't need a mirror to look in, only to cause me to ponder on the question if I really did love it or not, all I needed was my own confirmation.

"Put your mirrors away for a few days and find out who and what you truly are"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Damaged, Not Broken

My iPhone is damaged! I was so upset yesterday when I noticed that it isn't working. I must have pushed that round button a million times with complete frustration and tension, nothing happens. Siri starts talking every time I lightly touch the button though; irony. Which isn't suppose to happen. I can't access anything on my phone. I called Sprint only to find out that I don't have insurance and I need to take my phone to Apple store. As bad as I wanted to I couldn't take out my frustration on the Sales Rep. I had a flash back of Security Guards armed in so many random places like DMV, etc. Because we ourselves sometimes struggle with self control.

Anyhow back to my phone, yep it's broke! What am I going to do. I'm recording in the studio this weekend, some of my writing are on my phone. My emails, how will I read them. How can I text, how can I call. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, what am I to do? I needed a moment to rethink this all through. Upgrade, that was the answer, IPhone 5. That failed too, I can't upgrade until another 162 days.

Well since she wouldn't stop talking I might as well talk to her right, Siri that is. So I spoke to her. I told her where to go, who to text, what to Tweet, what writings to pull up, what music to play. Are you serious, I have to communicate verbally, lol. So not me, but I have no choice at this point. Seems to be where every situation in my life is heading.

"All these pushed buttons, tapped screens, I'm tired of being pushed around, connect with me, don't tap me... I can do anything, I have access to it all, change is not normal, not for me anyhow, but hello, I will try this new thing, my fingers and emotions are tired of giving signals anyhow, it's time to speak up, communicate" ~VM

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani