Lonely Girl, Fulfilled Woman

I have never felt so lonely before, nor have I ever felt so fulfilled. As I go through life I always go back, I know some people believe that you leave the past in the past, but for me bringing it with me has helped me grow so much. To each their own is a true statement, for if leaving the past behind works for you then don't ever let anyone tell you different.

As I continue to change, there are several things I have to stop for a moment and share/reflect. Today I as amazed by how fulfilled I feel. I don't have a long list of friends, I don't have a huge family, I am not even with my husband at this time, but I am beyond fulfilled.

As a child I always felt alone like I was the hated one, the one everyone looked down upon. When I grew some and had long lasting deep friendships there were still times I felt so alone, in my marriage it was a lonely place for me, in motherhood it has felt lonely for me. In the work office I felt alone. The list goes on and on of all the places that I have been and the family/friends/enemies I have had around me and still felt alone. That one did stump me up when I was writing about it. Feeling lonely around my enemies, but it is true, not even my enemies fulfilled what they should have been doing as an enemy. Hate is such a disturbed confused thing.

Now at age 35 I have a fulfilled life, I have never been so with myself, for myself and accepting of myself. I have surrounded myself with Godly men and women and I feel like I have stepped into another world. The view is amazing from where I walk now. At times I am hesitate of sharing my spiritual walk because some people think that if you are spiritual you are perfect and the moment they see other, they call you fake. But for me being spiritual has brought out more realness of myself than I have ever showed before. I am not perfect, I don't want to be. I like it when I have anxiety trying to take over me, because I know the root of it and it can not vine me in anymore. I like it when I make a mistake, when I am tempted to speak bad about someone. I know who has shed blood for me and I know what to do with my sin.

I am not sharing this in hopes that I am a role model for someone, the only role model I choose to be for is myself. I can not be that of anyone else and that is real.

"the lonely little girl cried for years, with out a human being to wipe her tears, brittle and feared, she waited, or maybe God waited until the perfect time to pull her away from everything and leave her with nothing; that is the definition of fulfilled, she loves it"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Shared Venom

I have learned that once gossip is spit and I say spit because it can cause one to close their eyes. Once gossip is spit, it is very hard to go back and undue. We all do gossip every now and then, we all do things that are not right, even if we apologize sometimes it still makes no difference. The spit in ones eye will cause them to view different or even shut the eye completely. They will always judge; however not based on consciousness and therefore only you can forgive.

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Spit in the eye of people who had done no wrong, worldly affects and ethics lost caused many harm, never able to take back the moist of the spray or direct hit,  the eye brittle for years to come, hard to undue a vision that was done, actions are embedded, voice and sound, the ring of a bell rumbles the ear of the found, forgiveness has been left up to self to act out, because hands have no ability to wipe the spit out...

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

It's Me Again

It's me again, sifting through my mind in search of why. I do this often, thank goodness that I have mastered "not thinking". It is hard, but I do know how to sit in pure silence and not think about a single thing. I remember the time I told someone that and they said "that's not possible". Don't you just laugh about how human we are sometimes. I wonder when we lost all of the faith, we were born with so much and it seems to fade away as we get older. Yet the older we get the more we need it.

It's just me again, sifting through my thoughts, my ups and downs and just thought that I would share something short. Don't ever be discouraged in anything you do. Despite what people say and/or think, be you and love what you can or cannot do.

"its me again, sifting, drifting, a hole-less boat, my legs are hung over the edge, just long enough for my toes to touch to tip of the surface, I am not scared, I just like the light splash, you can dive, plunder, keep dry, do what you choose... as for me, I like it right here where I am, until I change and experience different, even then someone will be for and/or against"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani