Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Beauty Of Feeling

What do you ignore? I often ignore stuff like the headache that suddenly hits. Or the uncomfortable feeling that just gets me down. But one thing I do not ignore is love. That true unconditional love that is felt. That vibrates colors in your soul, that awakes heart beats you never knew you had. That inhales air you didn't know existed and you have been weak not allowing it in. I believe simple things like leaves, wind, smiles, hugs bring this healing feeling of love. I read an article about what cuddling can do to a persons mental status, and yet I hear so many people reject touching and closeness. I read about what the words "I love you" can do to a child and yet parents don't say it ever, cause they think showing it is enough.

I was surfing the net reading the news and as I always do I skip really fast over the bad news because I just don't want to feel that sadness. I came to a picture of a baby elephant rubbing his mother as if to wake her up, it was the cutest thing as the mother lay there on the ground. I then read the caption under the picture and it said that the mother had passed away of unknown causes and this was happening frequently to elephants in that area. For some reason I wasn't thinking, "why didn't I skip over this", I was thinking "for some strange reason this is still cute". I chose that!

I felt such love, as I focused more on the baby elephant it was still cute, there wasn't sadness because of my own choice. I did not focus on death to be bad, but death to be peace; by choice. The picture was so peaceful and I felt such a strong love between the baby elephant and its mother. I felt love and it felt good, it was that feeling that I didn't want to ignore, that I want to come out, that I continue to be conscious of choosing.

Trust me it's not always easy to find this feeling but I do try hard, probably too hard sometimes because I know love is my natural state. I pass strangers and I say "I love you" to them in my mind, I smile at simple things and express my love for them because I do want to feel this.

It amazes me sometimes how simple life is because we have choices...
Chose love over all, it can bring peace to everything.

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Delight Of A Child

If you do not have children then please spend time around them. I can not explain how amazing it feels to fully emerge yourself into a child's mind. I know parenting can be stressful at times, no matter if you are a single parent or parenting together. With all the stress there is for sure more delight than anything.

It snowed the other day, and to see the amazement on my 5yr old face because he can not understand how this white, soft, cold stuff is falling from the sky was so beautiful. He may not know where it is coming from, but he does know "God is making it snow mommy". "Yes" I said to him as I smiled and felt so warm inside. I mean I had to stop for a moment, because it was not about the white stuff for me, it was about the fact that he didn't understand where it was coming from, but he knew who could do amazing things like this. As he gets older I pray he will fear not because he has the foundation at a young age that God does amazing things.

It didn't stop there! The next talk we had about snow I fully engaged myself into his mind, the delight of things being so innocent and unsure but amazing. I drove him from our house to the school which is a matter of 5mins. As we got out the car he said "Oh my gosh, it snowed at my school too". I couldn't help but to fully emerge myself into this shocking fact. What! Are you serious it snowed here to! I looked down at all the snow that surrounded the school and just smiled. We thought it was the most exciting thing to see, and that it was.

Isn't a child's energy delightful. I could have ignored him or spoke to him from an adults mind of "of course it snowed here, 3 miles from our house, heck it even snowed near my job". But I didn't want to do that to him, nor did I want to miss out on this joyful feeling.

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Monday, January 21, 2013

It's Self Talk... Really It Is

What negative things are you saying to others? When you think about people, what negative things are you thinking about them? Can you make a list of these things? I will go first, even though this is embarrassing and humiliating, I will go first. I have become aware that the way to self healing is through the mirror of embarrassment and the window of humiliation. You embarrass yourself face to face with truth and then those that are watching find it intriguing to humiliate you. Don't let that stop you though, we all have a turn and place for everything in life.

When you make your list you don't have to name people, unless you choose to but just name the things that come out of your mouth/mind. Wait, don't start yet. When you do inner healing it can sometimes be shocking depending on how deep you go into it. It is good to start with prayer, ask God to allow you to be honest with yourself no matter how much it can hurt. Get comfortable, a lot of times I do my inner searching things at night in my comfy PJ's and with a glass of wine or hot herbal tea. I enjoy lighting all natural candles with calming smells. I sometimes bathe before and put my all natural soothing creams on or some of my body oils. What ever works for you, works for you, but please don't just jump into these things unprepared.

Here I go...........

My thoughts:
1. He/She surly must be watching me.
2. He/She is so jealous it's not normal.
3. He/She lacks so much love.
4. He/She will feel less when they see I have done this.
5. He/She makes me angry trying to make all this look easy.

Things I have said:
1. Why do you do that.
2. What is wrong with you.
3. You need help.
4. Why do you care if I'm happy or not.
5. You put so many wrong things before me.
6. I can't see you doing that.
7. I hate you.

Now that the list is made (and might I add this is a small one, when I go deeper the lists gets longer) this is what you manifest from your list.


Things I have said, IT'S SELF TALK, REALLY IT IS:
1. Why do I do that.
2. What is wrong with ME.
3. I need help.
4. Why do I care if I'M happy or not.
5. I put so many wrong things before MYSELF.
6. I can't see ME doing that.
7. I hate MYSELF.

Wow! Is that what you are thinking? The first time you do this it will shock you, or you might switch the wrong words up and still not be truthful to yourself. But it is a fact that what you think/say to others is truly how you see yourself. We see in others the same thing we hate in ourselves.

Here is the good news; once you have created your second list you can then begin to heal. The more we deny something we continue to feed it the lie and it eats us up until there is nothing left but raw truth or brutal loss. Truth leads to love, because love is truth and truth needs to be loved. Truth hurts when it comes out because it was so comfortable in the lie.

If you have a moment to create your own list you should try it. Just be sure your going to be honest, do not make the list about anybody but YOU. It is YOUR list and YOU deserve to know the truth about YOURSELF.

I bet you thought the only people that have ever lied to you are other people, this list shows we often lie to ourselves.

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Saturday, January 12, 2013


The awareness is to change your mind. And by change I mean everything. Retrain it against everything it was taught. For example I use to think that in church if you saw people jumping around it meant they were crazy. I remember as a kid going to some church's and sitting so stiff when I would see people do this. I now laugh at how untrue that is.

Months ago I went to a Praise Worship and these people were in there jumping around and falling on the floor. I closed my eyes and let go of what I was wrongly trained. I began to hear doors opening, large wood like doors that one would imagine on castles. The sound was so close and moving that it brought me to tears. I knew it was God speaking to me, letting me know He was about to manifest things in my life. I let go of stiffness and I started to praise and worship. I was mixed in with others who were doing the same thing and it was a great feeling. I had changed my mind of the old thoughts that this wasn't right. We are talking about God, why wouldn't we be crying, laughing and falling on our knees.

The other morning I read an article about miracles. Wow, talk about a moment of "change the mind" I use to think that miracles were things that did not happen, not here on earth anyhow and if they did we better run and fear cause something isn't right. I laugh at myself even when writing that, but that is the truth. Miracle is like a word of something out of the norm happening and that isn't correct. But I now know that if miracles are not happening then something is not right. How do you define a miracle? Do you believe in miracles? Did you know that you can create a miracle for others or yourself. Every time you choose love over any thing else you have manifested a miracle. Miracles are brought out of love and love overcomes, conquers, heals, withstands, etc ALL.

Do you see why we have been taught that love hurts, love is pain, etc. Because as humans it's hard for us to choose love when we are face to face with a stranger. We can't bring our selves to choose love with someone who has done us wrong. We can't love that person that took something from us. But I tell you the truth, love is love. And love is only painful because we have been trained that we are to turn our backs, close our doors and "don't ever forget what was done to you". I sometimes vision meeting God and saying to Him, you made it so easy for us and still we found ways to make it seem impossible. Even in writing this there are areas in my life that I know need to be filled with love and in my mind I'm thinking, "I can't, not now" Then in the next exhale I'm telling myself how simple it can be done if I would only retrain my mind. And still each day I struggle.

Sometimes when my mind takes over in its former trained thoughts I just allow it. You can find me some days walking around just angry. I know why I'm angry and I know how to let it go but I don't and so I say "forget this, I'm going to be angry cause what I'm believing right now is causing that and when I stop and retrain I will be ok". It's not worth fearing all these emotions anymore because I know what is true. So if I live in illusion at times, I just do. I know I'm coming back to miracles soon.

How do you do this, stand so tall and perfect before me, caught up in belief simply based off of what I've been told, you branch out in many ways, are you trying to keep me from finding truth, that you aren't..... well is it true, or not, are you really a tree or just a vision of my illusions...

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani

Friday, January 11, 2013

Did I Limit Myself

These past few weeks I have been reflecting on friendships and family relationships. I thought back over the past years and what friends/family are still in my life and which ones are not. I thought about that first love that I remember crying for once and thought I would never live without him. That was in High School and I seem to have lived very well without him. I thought about all the female friends that I have and how I have never had many. I remember in High School females labeled me simply because I chose to hang with the males over the females. To this day I still favor my male friendships over most female ones, don't ask me why. Maybe the females are too much like me and putting up with me can be ruff at times. I thought about the friends/family that transitioned with me on the same route I was trying to reach. The family/friends that moved on before I realized things and lovingly enough they grabbed my attention and showed me a different way to life.

And then I thought about all of the family/friends that I felt really left me. I became angry and I skimmed through my facebook/twitter pages and with anger I thought "these friends/family that left me and moved on in life had someone by their side when doing this" whether it be a spouse, another friend or a family member. I felt they walked away from me because they no longer needed me. And how easy it must be to move on when you have that spouse/friend/family by your side. If you know me then you can imagine my pain/anger. "What, they don't need me, aren't I fun, aren't I worth having around". I quickly stopped myself because I know we are to always choose love and I had to release this hate.

I ran to a love place, my bible and came across some writings I had done a while ago, this is what I began to read. "You are like a Lion, you sit amongst yourself, you are fearless and loving, you are a nurturer and if needed you will raise to all four and seek, devour and protect. If need be you will rise to your hind legs and in defense you will attack. But there are moments you will not be needed and you will enjoy being alone, because a Lion understands aloneness and uses that time to remain still, confident and strong." Whoa! When did I write that? I often look back over my writings and either cry or am moved by my own words. And this moved me.

So what if people had moved on without me, I, the Lion have not been in the same place all my life, which means I too have moved on without someone. Have I ever been used by family/friends, sure I have; who hasn't! Will I be used again, more than likely. Were there times that I wasn't used at all, of course. I was where I was suppose to be in a friend/family relationship and then it was time to move on! Do I have friends/family that I speak to every day, yes. Do I have friends/family that I speak to monthly, yes. Do I have friends/family that I haven't spoken to in years and then we catch back up like just yesterday we saw each other, yes. Do I have friends/family that are out my life, yes. This is life isn't it. We connect, we mingle, we experience, we gather, we move, we let go, we keep. The funny thing is we don't know which connection will play out in what part.

So here I am physically without a lot of people that I once that I needed right beside me. I now understand lonely and solitude, for I placed myself in both. See everything is a choice with ourselves. No one has the power to control anothers life. If I chose to keep people in my life they are with me, whether they are phyically standing by me or simply within my heart, they are there.

So as I realized this in my moment of anger, I let my ego go, and stopped speaking out of hate, putting these people down as if I knew whether they walked away from me with someone by their side or not. The ego loves to judge and create whatever need be. I than smiled in gratitude that connections were met and I rested in knowing God is promising.

P.S. - In completion of this blog I had a friend text me a sweet mid-day "hello" text and included a bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Like I said God is promising and always on time might I add.

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Writers Talk

I have a dear friend who always brings deep writing out of me. Whether it be a sincere soft poem or something rare and raw. This friend of mine writes from places I seem to not be able to find without him. I remember once he put a picture on his facebook page and I commented "wow, that would be a beautiful view to write from" and he responded "this is my view from work". My jaw dropped. I couldn't imagine what would come out of me if I were sitting in that view, then I realized how easy it was to journey to that view without even being there. I lived the views through him and I was able to relate to all of his writing and I would respond to his words with my own words. Sometimes I flipped it to feel nothing that he was feeling but using the same common words as him, or I would write as if I felt everything he felt but with my own joy/pain. I thought I would show you some of our work below, he often sends me random poems that he writes and I respond off of his words...

Determined not to see that place
No consistency ever filled that place
Only a bitter frustration
Hit with no justification
I remain determined
Fascinated with the destruction
Infested by the corruption
That place and me will never be
I'll have no more of that place for me
How easy to say such things of such places
Only ever left with stains as traces
Kind of remember that one day
The day when I said and put things that way
A never expected reply
I said yes but didn't know why
when the good weighed as much as cotton
Something more then the obvious is on the rotten
Here I change patterns as easy as seeing you plotten
I'll someday be gone but not forgotten
Imaginations infested with what's being digested
Images on television
So hellish
The hell I vision
God and mans collision
Separated divided
Atheists and Christians
Slims and Jews
Blacks and whites
Religion and color confused
So that one day
We can all feel used
Yeah a hard days work
Fuck the lotion today
Giving my dick a dry jerk
Swell up my cock
Squeezing for pain
I went from serious to tugging on myself
What's wrong with my brain
Was it not enough coke
To much cocaine
Caffeinated and fascinated
Does The Lord see me when I masterbate it
Does He frown
Does He turn the page
Does He read His own book
Am I wrong for writing this
Reading and reciting this
I don't belong here
They should fear my wit
My mind begins to run
It's never going to quit
I don't belong here
By: Brandon Hogan

Motivated not to see that face
To many mirror images sur-faced
Only a salty evaluation
And I'm waterless drowning in frustration
I remain eager
Fascinated with numb and it's my teacher
Scared from the infestation of the itch
To return to a place of no dignity
I will have no more of this place, nope not for me
How silly to say such things of those places
Only to rise then fall with visions of those traces
Your lines and I remember the sweet way
You reminded me I didn't belong, I silenced so I agreed with what you say
I never expected cassette tapes to replay
I hear the yes, but I think I'm made to see no way
Cause I can't see the good weight soft like cotton
Something unforgettable plays like slaves unforgotten
Here I changed script as easy as my sight views all rotten
I will some day be seen, no more plotten
Imaginations infested with processed foods in my digestion
Veggies on television
Farmers creating a hell of a vision
Using more than water, crop'n my life expectency
The aspects I vision
Spiritual and Human collision
Side swipe
In front of and too far behind
All these expectancies and religions too defined
Every day I feel mis-used
Another 8-5 high heels and skirts
I put on lotion these days
I remember the wet pole slide smirk
Swelled up my hands
To please his pain and then he goes home to a wedding band
I went from bad relationships to eating right
To tugging on past life
I know I lack some strings of my brain
Was it not enough weed
Is that my missing dizzy root
Am I holding the only drug free sign
That the Lord only saw you inhale a dime
Not I, who lives so Divine
Does He frown
In my exhale of pointing the finger
Does He turn pages on me
At that moment I don't want to reflect in Vivid Mirror
Does He read any of my books
Am I wrong to ask Him to understand me
Stop confusing me
Testing me
Make life more clear for me
Cause I don't belong there, that hellavision eyes see
They will jacket lace me if I show my wit
My mind is always on a run
It never quits
Where do we all belong
By: Ebony Larijani

All work (c) since 2011, Ebony Larijani


Friday, January 4, 2013

Was That A Distraction

In the middle of a great book, there is a knock at my door. Not my front door that could easily be ignored but my bedroom door and I can't ignore my children. In the sweat of a great work out, my phone rings and I don't want to chance this breath to answer in near breathless conversation, but I can't ignore my husband. In the middle of writing in my book, beep beep, a text comes through, but I can't chance missing a possible emergency to write a few more words. In the desire to finger paint all day, I get a call from a close friend who wants to go out and have some fun.

Are these distractions? They once were and they distracted me so easily that they angered me. I felt I had no time to myself. I opened doors with anger, answered phones with hate, ventured out with frustration. I was a living mess and I made myself that way. I read once that if we allow life to guide us we find more peace in even the worst distractions. So I had to change the word I was using, I no longer get distracted because it is not any ones intent to distract me.

And what do I do on those days when no one calls, no one knocks, everyone is too busy for me. Awe; I smile and stretch and become aware of my oneness and I bask in the idea that I have so much time with myself that I am startled by peace and thankful for it.

My life went from frustrating "I don't have time for myself" thoughts to, "this is great, alters in my life that better me". Now when I am drifted by others actions I take the time to script about it. Or I use this as an opportunity to laugh with myself and appreciate how loved I am by myself and others.

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Walking On Stilts

It's time for me to get off these stilts, paralyzed in trying to balance perfection, I haven't moved yet an inch, captivated in the shivered steps, I haven't budged much, I said a curse word today, am I doomed, I wiggled a bit on my stilts, I walked so silently into work, well my heels were clicking, I didn't want to be seen though, that's the introvert on stilts, who am I kidding, they can see me up here, but if I don't say a word am I cursed, I can't be, I said I cursed, is it safe to let loose up here, do they think I have my nose in the air, what's it to me what they think of me, I could appear tall with wisdom, or class clown who's to say, I know I just took a step on my stilt, I almost fell, I said another curse word, am I doomed, maybe cursed, is it possible to run from up here, I've seen giraffes take off full force, my neck isn't long though so I can't do that, but I'm going to because I don't want to, but only once I stand here for a moment, damn it, I'm doing that perfection thing again, I cursed, no I didn't I truly meant damn it, I was talking to the beavers, instructing them to damn it, that river of fear between here and there, I don't talk to beavers, but I might as well, I giggle at falling leaves and have a close relationship with the moon, I wonder if I can touch the moon from here, I'm tall but that's a huge stretch, I know, I'm not that gifted or perfect to stretch like that, but I will reach any way, if I tell you that was a hard shift, will you think I cursed and said this ________ is too hard, why do I keep using these curse words, doomed again, I guess I sinned, perfection is out the door now, this life thing is so hard, these stilts are like happiness guards, they keep me up here and test me to fall down there, all this walking sure did lower me some, I think I'm mid-level dumb, is that a curse word or just a selfish insult to self, I'm not dumb look at me my stilts are wearing down, must be all this walking around, life is different down here, I actually see straps, what I could have took these things off long ago, whoa is that not in the history of "the things I didn't know", if I cursed right now I swear it would be out of joy, swear; did I swear is that unperfected of me, I swear this life is hard judging everything I do to this degree...
(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


I want to be the woman in the crowd who came alone, but was so determined to fulfill her urge that she loved alone... I want to be in the audience at the Orchestra, knowing nothing about what it takes to create the sounds but love them so deeply... I want to sit in the poetry club, silenced, full of words and emotional, but to scared to let them out... I want to run the track, breathless and tired just looking at the space ahead of me and dropping to my knees unfinished... I want to fulfill desires from the earth, nothing from my mind that I am so use to... I want desire to love me as much as I love it, because my reading today said... "that which I look for, looks for me"... desire and I are intimately in search of each other...

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani


I went to a basketball game once and as I entered the building the excitement on others faces was silly. They were so full of joy, the could not wait to go see their winning team. They had jerseys and key chains, and any type of item that would represent their team. Small talk filled the halls as opposing fans gave gestures and words defining why their team would win.

What confidence that is, to know nothing personally about 'your' team but what is seen on TV and be so sure that they will win. Risking on past plays, lol. I just find that funny, maybe because I'm not into football, basketball or much of any sport. I know you are thinking then why was I at the game. Well, the tickets were free and doing something different is sexy to me.

As we took our seats I felt like a kid in the candy store, I could care less who won. I was so excited to be around all of these cheering fans that I couldn't help but cheer too. Who was I cheering for I had no idea. But I was full of giggles and I was excited. See it's out of the ordinary things like this that make me wonder do we always need to know whats going on. Can't we just wander at times, into something we know nothing about and energize off of others energy?

It was the best night I ever had at a basketball game, well it was the only night at a basketball game. I haven't been back yet, but I have this urge to surf the net for tickets, or receive another free pair.

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani

Unmatched Evenly

We meet people that match us unevenly. Water/Soda, Sun/Dark, Wet/Dry, Up/Down. I use these words as differences, but what I want to reflect on is...

In reaching for the sun, one desired dark, the kisses withheld by cheek rubs, the walks that wanted to run... the book store that offered no food, the jaguar that labeled the motorcycle... the exploring of gardens, unreachable to the plastic flowers in the vase... every desire one had the other did not, each passion fulfilled areas of ones dreams, daily activities left some untouched... we match with uneven things which causes the unmatched to become even, only if we chose... lost in anger of differences, found in release of acceptance... I hate what you love (all those habits you have, all the things you like that don't match up with mine), until that is, I kept loving what you hated (all those habits I have, all the things that I like that don't match up with yours) and then I tried what you love, unmatched we balanced even... 

(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani