I took a trip to Ikea over the weekend. If you have ever been then you understand why I call it a trip and how I was able to get lost. The emotional part was because my mind was on negative drive.
I was in Ikea looking for a futon. I remember walking in feeling so refreshed and alive. Excited of what type of futons I could possibly find. I was reminded by the pictures that they have a cafeteria upstairs and the meatballs are really good. I walked through the couch section and past the bedding and over to the tables and then the futons. After sitting on everything and kicking to test the wear and tear, I found nothing. I turned to the person that was with me and said "let's go".
I wasn't mad that they didn't have the kind of futon I was looking for, but I was misplaced in my emotions when I noticed everything around me. Not the other pieces of furniture, but all of the people. The little children holding their mom and dads hands, the teens shopping for a desk now that school has started, the husband and wife planning the layout for their home. The view of what seemed like perfection to me.
I don't know what isle I lost my friend in. I was so moved with emotions that it took just a few moments to gather my thoughts and remember that every time I come here I get lost. Usually I enjoy getting lost, for some odd reason I always end up in the plant section (I love plants) and now that I think about it maybe I have never been lost if I always end up at the same place. I will probably write a poem about that sentence later.
Anyways, that day I was emotional and lost. I had to follow the signs to get out of the store, at least looking up at the signs kept my sight off of the distractions. But I had to focus, because the signs told me many things, exit this way, tables this way, kitchen this way, children rooms this way, etc. That only meant that I had to walk through all of these things in order to get out. I could not bypass anything, I was forced to see what I wanted to avoid until it was able to be mine! I must have looked like a panic mess, but I kept it under control until I got to my car and broke into tears. I cried like a child, like a child who had lost their mom in the store and wanted nothing but to go home. I wanted to go home, but not home to the place I knew. Home to what I created in my mind to be something that I don't have. Perfection, perfection, perfection and perfection. I wondered what it was like to have all of that. No, I don't think I wondered, I think I just wanted it without planning for it. How does one plan perfection, it was impossible. But it is all I have ever wanted. I was never taught that it isn't possible, I just felt everyone had it but me. I didn't know what all it took to make it or keep it. I just wanted it bad and swore everyone else already had it. I would probably be amazed if I walked into the homes of some of those customers. Perfection might fear me then, or knock me down into laughter. I think perfection has always been some vague cloud of the way things are supposed to be, yet unattainable for me.
So as I sat in my car crying I asked myself, what do I want life to be for me. Because it doesn't have to be what I imagine it to be, I can create it on my own to be what will bring me joy and peace. I thanked God as tears fell down my face because I knew He was changing me. I had never asked myself questions like these and I never enjoyed the tears that fell. That day I did. I went on to my next stop and as I walked through Staples to get last minute things that the kids needed for school, I felt special to have experienced such a emotional lost feeling and still was not taken off track or pushed home to depress in my bed.
Life is such a beautiful thing when it has no control, just lessons and blessings...
(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani
Friday, September 6, 2013
The end of summer means the beginning of autumn. This is a time of change. Write a poem about the changes occurring in your life. Choose powerful verbs. Focus on the feelings of expectation, fear, and relief that come with change. Use vivid imagery. It is during change that we are often the most alive.
Yes, the end of summer is here, I can feel it in the way the sun hits through the leaves and branches that cover my window, yes I love plants, they are everywhere... I don't expect them to die, not now, but they do look a little limp as the season changes, they may be a bit cold today, that was my thought as I walked out my house this morning... Or maybe that's what I told myself since I had no desire to bend over and grab the hose to water them... they will be okay until I get home, if not God will change the weather report... I fear my own nourishment, I make my own excuses, when I go waterless, I know I need it and still I can sit and just avoid it, I am changing though, at least I know my needs and left out the wants... what a relief to know the differences between honesty and cover-ups... ughh a breath of fresh air... I am human, that a vivid shock for me, I don't know what I try to be, but I must try to be something else since I am always so hard on myself for being human... I will become something that is evident of myself, I will hear deep whispers from a powerful source to guide me into falling leaves, only to leaf me on a colorful path, even if I kick and scream, the scattered leaves that I will shuffle up may cause an on sight anxiety attack, but in the midst of half cut leaves, I can only arrive at a place of laughter, to even think that this change should be fearful... I know I am alive, to feel all of these emotions, I would have to be...
(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani