I have never felt so lonely before, nor have I ever felt so fulfilled. As I go through life I always go back, I know some people believe that you leave the past in the past, but for me bringing it with me has helped me grow so much. To each their own is a true statement, for if leaving the past behind works for you then don't ever let anyone tell you different.
As I continue to change, there are several things I have to stop for a moment and share/reflect. Today I as amazed by how fulfilled I feel. I don't have a long list of friends, I don't have a huge family, I am not even with my husband at this time, but I am beyond fulfilled.
As a child I always felt alone like I was the hated one, the one everyone looked down upon. When I grew some and had long lasting deep friendships there were still times I felt so alone, in my marriage it was a lonely place for me, in motherhood it has felt lonely for me. In the work office I felt alone. The list goes on and on of all the places that I have been and the family/friends/enemies I have had around me and still felt alone. That one did stump me up when I was writing about it. Feeling lonely around my enemies, but it is true, not even my enemies fulfilled what they should have been doing as an enemy. Hate is such a disturbed confused thing.
Now at age 35 I have a fulfilled life, I have never been so with myself, for myself and accepting of myself. I have surrounded myself with Godly men and women and I feel like I have stepped into another world. The view is amazing from where I walk now. At times I am hesitate of sharing my spiritual walk because some people think that if you are spiritual you are perfect and the moment they see other, they call you fake. But for me being spiritual has brought out more realness of myself than I have ever showed before. I am not perfect, I don't want to be. I like it when I have anxiety trying to take over me, because I know the root of it and it can not vine me in anymore. I like it when I make a mistake, when I am tempted to speak bad about someone. I know who has shed blood for me and I know what to do with my sin.
I am not sharing this in hopes that I am a role model for someone, the only role model I choose to be for is myself. I can not be that of anyone else and that is real.
"the lonely little girl cried for years, with out a human being to wipe her tears, brittle and feared, she waited, or maybe God waited until the perfect time to pull her away from everything and leave her with nothing; that is the definition of fulfilled, she loves it"
(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani
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