Emotional and Lost

I took a trip to Ikea over the weekend. If you have ever been then you understand why I call it a trip and how I was able to get lost. The emotional part was because my mind was on negative drive.

I was in Ikea looking for a futon. I remember walking in feeling so refreshed and alive. Excited of what type of futons I could possibly find. I was reminded by the pictures that they have a cafeteria upstairs and the meatballs are really good. I walked through the couch section and past the bedding and over to the tables and then the futons. After sitting on everything and kicking to test the wear and tear, I found nothing. I turned to the person that was with me and said "let's go".

I wasn't mad that they didn't have the kind of futon I was looking for, but I was misplaced in my emotions when I noticed everything around me. Not the other pieces of furniture, but all of the people. The little children holding their mom and dads hands, the teens shopping for a desk now that school has started, the husband and wife planning the layout for their home. The view of what seemed like perfection to me.

I don't know what isle I lost my friend in. I was so moved with emotions that it took just a few moments to gather my thoughts and remember that every time I come here I get lost. Usually I enjoy getting lost, for some odd reason I always end up in the plant section (I love plants) and now that I think about it maybe I have never been lost if I always end up at the same place. I will probably write a poem about that sentence later.

Anyways, that day I was emotional and lost. I had to follow the signs to get out of the store, at least looking up at the signs kept my sight off of the distractions. But I had to focus, because the signs told me many things, exit this way, tables this way, kitchen this way, children rooms this way, etc. That only meant that I had to walk through all of these things in order to get out. I could not bypass anything, I was forced to see what I wanted to avoid until it was able to be mine! I must have looked like a panic mess, but I kept it under control until I got to my car and broke into tears. I cried like a child, like a child who had lost their mom in the store and wanted nothing but to go home. I wanted to go home, but not home to the place I knew. Home to what I created in my mind to be something that I don't have. Perfection, perfection, perfection and perfection. I wondered what it was like to have all of that. No, I don't think I wondered, I think I just wanted it without planning for it. How does one plan perfection, it was impossible. But it is all I have ever wanted. I was never taught that it isn't possible, I just felt everyone had it but me. I didn't know what all it took to make it or keep it. I just wanted it bad and swore everyone else already had it. I would probably be amazed if I walked into the homes of some of those customers. Perfection might fear me then, or knock me down into laughter. I think perfection has always been some vague cloud of the way things are supposed to be, yet unattainable for me.  

So as I sat in my car crying I asked myself, what do I want life to be for me. Because it doesn't have to be what I imagine it to be, I can create it on my own to be what will bring me joy and peace. I thanked God as tears fell down my face because I knew He was changing me. I had never asked myself questions like these and I never enjoyed the tears that fell. That day I did. I went on to my next stop and as I walked through Staples to get last minute things that the kids needed for school, I felt special to have experienced such a emotional lost feeling and still was not taken off track or pushed home to depress in my bed.

Life is such a beautiful thing when it has no control, just lessons and blessings...

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani