40 day journey...
I came up with the idea to take myself on a 40 day journey when
someone expressed his catholic religion to me and his preparation to give up
smoking for lent. This man went on and on about how hard it was going to be for
him. I loved his honesty and I understood his fear of failure. But what I
couldn’t comprehend was why we go into some things thinking this way. Where was
the motivational speech, or even better, where was the soul that knows everything
is possible.
The day came when the ashes were placed on his forehead and he
knew his smoking had to stop. I didn’t know this on day one, but there are
better choice of words that we can always use, sometimes we find that out after
the breath.
Here he is standing in front of me, ashes on his forehead and he
was very nervous, yet proud, overwhelmed, yet excited. The first day of course
is the easiest, but moving forward into day two and so on was extremely hard. I
decided that I would spend 40 days writing about strangers, and the things we
all have in common whether it be habits, fear, joy, etc.
The non smoker was the first person I wrote about, because by his
day 3 which started my day 1, the pen shook. It was like my penmanship leaked
the nervousness and frustration he held.
I felt as if I wasn’t on the same journey as him though, so I added
more, I silently gave something up for 30 days along with my 40 day journey
writing. I didn't think it was fair to this man if I didn't, nor was if fair to
myself, to watch growth and not stem to be a part of it.
I am giddy enough to say that by day 4 I was a mess myself. Here
we sat, two people nervous and dizzy because we are not in balance with what we
are used to, the change structured us into believing we could not form.
By day 10 he had people asking him if he was still going without
his cigarettes. I bet he wished he was more like me and had kept his journey
private so he wouldn't have to face the strange stares from people while they
asked him. Okay, really, who am I kidding, the mirror questions that stared
back at me were just as hard.
I smiled when he spoke about his crave and his frustration because
I wished I was like him with his outspoken nature.
As days turned into weeks I struggled through my 30 days. And I
let the pen run wild through my 40 days. I met so many strangers who I became familiar
with. Some days I posted the “Stranger writing” on my website and other days I
wrote my thoughts in a journal. It was astonishing that no matter who I met or
what they were going through somehow we were alike. And if we weren't then we
became evenly comfortable with the differences; and that was also alike.
By week 3 I forgot that I was even on this journey, because habit
had kicked in and I no longer had to remind myself “don’t do it”. I also no longer
forced myself to communicate with strangers just to get a writing. It became a
balanced flow. Also by week 3, the non smoker started to lose grip, or should I
say he took grip of a cigarette. It wasn't announced and I noticed those of us
who knew he had smoked didn't bother to ask him anymore, and he didn't
volunteer any inhale or exhale.
Did he fail though? What is failure? If you ask me I really don’t
think it exist. The Dictionary says it is a state of failing to do or perform,
but he did it for a few days. So I just can’t seem to fit this word into my
vocabulary to latch to anything. A half grown flower didn’t fail at growth, it
grew didn’t it. A second place winner didn’t fail at winning. A graded paper
with a D+ at the top, didn’t fail at completing.
By the end of my 30 day journey I was so excited, I had made it.
On day 36, I started the habit again. Why was I still counting, because I knew I
didn’t need it, didn’t want it, or had the ability to go without it? Did I fail
or not? I obviously changed something within in me to make me aware of day 36
even though it should not have been counted.
So I ask again, what is failure? Did we both fail, or did neither
of us?
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“If we don’t need it at a
moment in time we wouldn’t have it or do it, but if that is all we know to do,
then that is what we do, whether right or wrong. And in some strange way that
makes me think it’s right, for me, for you, for whomever, at that time” ~VM
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