Emotional and Lost

I took a trip to Ikea over the weekend. If you have ever been then you understand why I call it a trip and how I was able to get lost. The emotional part was because my mind was on negative drive.

I was in Ikea looking for a futon. I remember walking in feeling so refreshed and alive. Excited of what type of futons I could possibly find. I was reminded by the pictures that they have a cafeteria upstairs and the meatballs are really good. I walked through the couch section and past the bedding and over to the tables and then the futons. After sitting on everything and kicking to test the wear and tear, I found nothing. I turned to the person that was with me and said "let's go".

I wasn't mad that they didn't have the kind of futon I was looking for, but I was misplaced in my emotions when I noticed everything around me. Not the other pieces of furniture, but all of the people. The little children holding their mom and dads hands, the teens shopping for a desk now that school has started, the husband and wife planning the layout for their home. The view of what seemed like perfection to me.

I don't know what isle I lost my friend in. I was so moved with emotions that it took just a few moments to gather my thoughts and remember that every time I come here I get lost. Usually I enjoy getting lost, for some odd reason I always end up in the plant section (I love plants) and now that I think about it maybe I have never been lost if I always end up at the same place. I will probably write a poem about that sentence later.

Anyways, that day I was emotional and lost. I had to follow the signs to get out of the store, at least looking up at the signs kept my sight off of the distractions. But I had to focus, because the signs told me many things, exit this way, tables this way, kitchen this way, children rooms this way, etc. That only meant that I had to walk through all of these things in order to get out. I could not bypass anything, I was forced to see what I wanted to avoid until it was able to be mine! I must have looked like a panic mess, but I kept it under control until I got to my car and broke into tears. I cried like a child, like a child who had lost their mom in the store and wanted nothing but to go home. I wanted to go home, but not home to the place I knew. Home to what I created in my mind to be something that I don't have. Perfection, perfection, perfection and perfection. I wondered what it was like to have all of that. No, I don't think I wondered, I think I just wanted it without planning for it. How does one plan perfection, it was impossible. But it is all I have ever wanted. I was never taught that it isn't possible, I just felt everyone had it but me. I didn't know what all it took to make it or keep it. I just wanted it bad and swore everyone else already had it. I would probably be amazed if I walked into the homes of some of those customers. Perfection might fear me then, or knock me down into laughter. I think perfection has always been some vague cloud of the way things are supposed to be, yet unattainable for me.  

So as I sat in my car crying I asked myself, what do I want life to be for me. Because it doesn't have to be what I imagine it to be, I can create it on my own to be what will bring me joy and peace. I thanked God as tears fell down my face because I knew He was changing me. I had never asked myself questions like these and I never enjoyed the tears that fell. That day I did. I went on to my next stop and as I walked through Staples to get last minute things that the kids needed for school, I felt special to have experienced such a emotional lost feeling and still was not taken off track or pushed home to depress in my bed.

Life is such a beautiful thing when it has no control, just lessons and blessings...

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Poetry Prompt

Poetry Prompt

The end of summer means the beginning of autumn. This is a time of change. Write a poem about the changes occurring in your life. Choose powerful verbs. Focus on the feelings of expectation, fear, and relief that come with change. Use vivid imagery. It is during change that we are often the most alive.   ------------------- Yes, the end of summer is here, I can feel it in the way the sun hits through the leaves and branches that cover my window, yes I love plants, they are everywhere... I don't expect them to die, not now, but they do look a little limp as the season changes, they may be a bit cold today, that was my thought as I walked out my house this morning... Or maybe that's what I told myself since I had no desire to bend over and grab the hose to water them... they will be okay until I get home, if not God will change the weather report... I fear my own nourishment, I make my own excuses, when I go waterless, I know I need it and still I can sit and just avoid it, I am changing though, at least I know my needs and left out the wants... what a relief to know the differences between honesty and cover-ups... ughh a breath of fresh air... I am human, that a vivid shock for me, I don't know what I try to be, but I must try to be something else since I am always so hard on myself for being human... I will become something that is evident of myself, I will hear deep whispers from a powerful source to guide me into falling leaves, only to leaf me on a colorful path, even if I kick and scream, the scattered leaves that I will shuffle up may cause an on sight anxiety attack, but in the midst of half cut leaves, I can only arrive at a place of laughter, to even think that this change should be fearful... I know I am alive, to feel all of these emotions, I would have to be...   (c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Lonely Girl, Fulfilled Woman

I have never felt so lonely before, nor have I ever felt so fulfilled. As I go through life I always go back, I know some people believe that you leave the past in the past, but for me bringing it with me has helped me grow so much. To each their own is a true statement, for if leaving the past behind works for you then don't ever let anyone tell you different.

As I continue to change, there are several things I have to stop for a moment and share/reflect. Today I as amazed by how fulfilled I feel. I don't have a long list of friends, I don't have a huge family, I am not even with my husband at this time, but I am beyond fulfilled.

As a child I always felt alone like I was the hated one, the one everyone looked down upon. When I grew some and had long lasting deep friendships there were still times I felt so alone, in my marriage it was a lonely place for me, in motherhood it has felt lonely for me. In the work office I felt alone. The list goes on and on of all the places that I have been and the family/friends/enemies I have had around me and still felt alone. That one did stump me up when I was writing about it. Feeling lonely around my enemies, but it is true, not even my enemies fulfilled what they should have been doing as an enemy. Hate is such a disturbed confused thing.

Now at age 35 I have a fulfilled life, I have never been so with myself, for myself and accepting of myself. I have surrounded myself with Godly men and women and I feel like I have stepped into another world. The view is amazing from where I walk now. At times I am hesitate of sharing my spiritual walk because some people think that if you are spiritual you are perfect and the moment they see other, they call you fake. But for me being spiritual has brought out more realness of myself than I have ever showed before. I am not perfect, I don't want to be. I like it when I have anxiety trying to take over me, because I know the root of it and it can not vine me in anymore. I like it when I make a mistake, when I am tempted to speak bad about someone. I know who has shed blood for me and I know what to do with my sin.

I am not sharing this in hopes that I am a role model for someone, the only role model I choose to be for is myself. I can not be that of anyone else and that is real.

"the lonely little girl cried for years, with out a human being to wipe her tears, brittle and feared, she waited, or maybe God waited until the perfect time to pull her away from everything and leave her with nothing; that is the definition of fulfilled, she loves it"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Shared Venom

I have learned that once gossip is spit and I say spit because it can cause one to close their eyes. Once gossip is spit, it is very hard to go back and undue. We all do gossip every now and then, we all do things that are not right, even if we apologize sometimes it still makes no difference. The spit in ones eye will cause them to view different or even shut the eye completely. They will always judge; however not based on consciousness and therefore only you can forgive.

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Spit in the eye of people who had done no wrong, worldly affects and ethics lost caused many harm, never able to take back the moist of the spray or direct hit,  the eye brittle for years to come, hard to undue a vision that was done, actions are embedded, voice and sound, the ring of a bell rumbles the ear of the found, forgiveness has been left up to self to act out, because hands have no ability to wipe the spit out...

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

It's Me Again

It's me again, sifting through my mind in search of why. I do this often, thank goodness that I have mastered "not thinking". It is hard, but I do know how to sit in pure silence and not think about a single thing. I remember the time I told someone that and they said "that's not possible". Don't you just laugh about how human we are sometimes. I wonder when we lost all of the faith, we were born with so much and it seems to fade away as we get older. Yet the older we get the more we need it.

It's just me again, sifting through my thoughts, my ups and downs and just thought that I would share something short. Don't ever be discouraged in anything you do. Despite what people say and/or think, be you and love what you can or cannot do.

"its me again, sifting, drifting, a hole-less boat, my legs are hung over the edge, just long enough for my toes to touch to tip of the surface, I am not scared, I just like the light splash, you can dive, plunder, keep dry, do what you choose... as for me, I like it right here where I am, until I change and experience different, even then someone will be for and/or against"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

It Is Okay To Act Brand New

Yes, I said it. It's okay to act brand new. I know that may have been a phrase that someone said to you out of shocking reality that you aren't the same. They may have even said it with an attitude and a hint that you need to go back to the old you.

Twice this week I have heard lessons on living like a child, with a child like mind. Yes, I said that too. Have you ever noticed how care free a child is, how eager they are to experience new things. They may sometimes have a want for their parent to be present in the experience of new things, but they still dive in. We have our Father with us at all times, so no need to fear, we are safe when we have that need to have a 'parent' watching over us.

"if we could only reserve from the baggage that fills our minds when living, we won't pass, we won't hesitate, we won't think that we have failed, we will know that we have experienced and what a joy to experience again, and again and again, because this is so much fun, this is amazing to see.... life is fantastic for the child who knows ice cream and being nice to a stranger gives them the same amount of joy, the feeling of freedom... get out of your old self and act brand new"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Passion For Words

In the midst of all the online classes I'm taking, the poetry events I write for, the CD I'm making, the book I'm writing, the family, the friends and other life things. I seem to sometimes choose other things over my passion for words. Don't ask me if its out of guilt, fear or a desire to please others.  I know for a fact that I feel my best when I am surrounded by books/pens/journals/poets, yet sometimes I walk away from them. My choices vary from quiet nights alone with my pen to out socializing with family and friends or networking to promote my organization. There has to be a balance somewhere, meanwhile I am a spinning cycle always on the go, using electronics to the best of their ability to remind me of where I need to be or what I need to prepare for. This morning I came across this and it made me think.

Poetry Prompt

Poetry, like life, is about making decisions. Write a poem to the person you may have become had you made an important life decision differently. Remember, this version of you is also vulnerable to the whims of an indifferent universe, so you're merely making an educated guess as to your doppelgänger's outcome. Craft your poem with respect. You're writing to you   Out of pure respect I reach over to the phone that buzzed all night long, giggling in such a carefree way I walked out my back door to the sun light of life, the smell of air and the definition of Gods creation. A journal lay across the bench beside my hand make river and I do mean hand made for it was my hands that dug and designed. I know they are there, busy cars, punch cards, traffic lights, 9am meetings, appointments, arguments, judgements, neighbors, bystanders, etc. But I do not know what they are, for distractions do not occur in the life of a full time writer. I live to rely information through script and I read to inhale information through my mind. No one sees me, when I am in the depth of a curved letter that needs nothing but my mind to circle it into shape and create a base to the reasons I reason. I chose simplicity to its fullest, there is nothing more desired than that alone.   (c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani