The Mirror

Last night I went to the gym with myself, it was different than what I have been doing. Teaming up with a friend as a motivator to get the hour and half work out in 4 times a week. Yet last night I had to be my own motivator, I had to push through the cardio and I kept telling myself, let go, release and how easy this will be. I needed that sweat pouring, dropped down pony tail, body sore, giving my all feeling to hit me like the music that blasted in my ears. There was so much around me; people. That one word alone was enough for me to concentrate on something else; them.
As my Pandora locked in the middle of my run I thought, not now, don't do this to me. How could I possibly run on this treadmill without my music to zone me out. As I decided to leave it stuck and not attempt to run and change stations at the same time the music started. I laughed at myself, something I do often and I find it liberating.
Ten minutes later I realized I had nothing in sight but my feet, as I was looking down at the pace I was going. I ran like I needed to, just enough to release whatever was stuck in me. Moving on to other machines in the gym my workout was very enjoyable. Sweat dripping off of me and I could not stop it. I allowed all of the sweat to pour out of me because it needed to and I needed it to.
When I arrived home I wanted to look in the mirror, but I was so weak that I could only make it to the shower and into my bed. I rose this morning eager to look in the mirror, as if that workout was going to change my appearance in a matter of hours. I decided not to look, instead I told myself "I love my body". I got dressed and again I wanted to look in the mirror, to approve what I'm not really sure, but I decided not to and again I told myself "I love my body". I unwrapped my hair from my scarf and all of my curls fell to my face, I loved what I saw. Dark, curly and fluffy, the smell of my oils that ran through from my scalp to the ends was refreshing. I never looked in the mirror not once, but I remembered my shower the night before, how the water washed over my body and my hair fell over me with such beauty. I kept saying to myself "I love my hair". And that had changed in a matter of hours, the simple spoken words of truth. I didn't need a mirror to look in, only to cause me to ponder on the question if I really did love it or not, all I needed was my own confirmation.

"Put your mirrors away for a few days and find out who and what you truly are"

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Damaged, Not Broken

My iPhone is damaged! I was so upset yesterday when I noticed that it isn't working. I must have pushed that round button a million times with complete frustration and tension, nothing happens. Siri starts talking every time I lightly touch the button though; irony. Which isn't suppose to happen. I can't access anything on my phone. I called Sprint only to find out that I don't have insurance and I need to take my phone to Apple store. As bad as I wanted to I couldn't take out my frustration on the Sales Rep. I had a flash back of Security Guards armed in so many random places like DMV, etc. Because we ourselves sometimes struggle with self control.

Anyhow back to my phone, yep it's broke! What am I going to do. I'm recording in the studio this weekend, some of my writing are on my phone. My emails, how will I read them. How can I text, how can I call. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, what am I to do? I needed a moment to rethink this all through. Upgrade, that was the answer, IPhone 5. That failed too, I can't upgrade until another 162 days.

Well since she wouldn't stop talking I might as well talk to her right, Siri that is. So I spoke to her. I told her where to go, who to text, what to Tweet, what writings to pull up, what music to play. Are you serious, I have to communicate verbally, lol. So not me, but I have no choice at this point. Seems to be where every situation in my life is heading.

"All these pushed buttons, tapped screens, I'm tired of being pushed around, connect with me, don't tap me... I can do anything, I have access to it all, change is not normal, not for me anyhow, but hello, I will try this new thing, my fingers and emotions are tired of giving signals anyhow, it's time to speak up, communicate" ~VM

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Labels and Attachments

I need to understand why society has labeled hurt women as scorned? To better understand the meaning I looked it up in the Dictionary.

~Scorn: The feeling or belief that someone or something is worthless or despicable; contempt. (Websters Dictionary)

I then searched the Internet, Bible and many other places to define the word woman. Here are several things I found.

~ A true woman is not to be defined by style, culture, smell or personality. A true woman is a woman who wakes up every morning faced with millions of decisions and despite what the world is telling her she chooses to make the right one. She stands by what she believes, realizes what she deserves and doesn't settle for less. She is honest, and loyal, and faithful. She puts up with far more than she should. A true woman gets back up and fights for what she wants over and over again. Even though every time she's tried before, she's lost. She is understanding and patient, yet, abrasive and takes the bull by the horns. She gives respect, and expects it in return. A true woman is someone who when you look in her eyes, you can see your unborn children. You see a true woman is not defined, by culture or size or any of that, she is defined by you. Your true woman is very different than anybody else.

Now explain to me again why I, as a woman, want a label such as scorned to describe the woman I am capable of being. So many things in society seem to cause confusion, back hunches, and painful slumber. Why is this? I don't see how the two can be one; woman and scorn.

Placing such a low label on a high craft is what causes things to crack. I use the word craft because we are and were crafted by the hands of God. We will not break, being that we are a master piece from his hands, but we can crack when we attempt to follow our own ways or societies.

The two; scorn and woman are not capable of becoming anything when placed together. I pray you meditate on that fact, because several things are often put together, yet together they can never form.

With experience (by once believing that I was scorned) I am amazed by the lack of confidence that word left upon me. I cannot get upset though, because that word lived up to its definition. I however did not live up to mine by allowing it to become a part of me.

Women, nothing and no one has the power to take you out of something so glorious and label you with something so dim. You are not scorned, you are women, define yourself and be.

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Society pedals

I was listening to the news this morning, which I rarely do. Hearing a story about Beyonce buying her mom a very expensive home for Mother's Day and yet her sister bought her a hundred roses. Making fun of the difference in price of the gifts, I wondered how these two sisters felt. Then I brought myself to a level of reality. What had all of the listeners been taught? We need to put value on the price tag and not the thought? Is there something missing within Beyonce that she felt the need to splurge? Is there inner peace present in her sister that she was able to give less and be confident in doing that? Did their mother need a home and roses to fill it with and together they made it happen with love until society turned it into competition?
 I continue to seek the answer to my question of "when did things change and money became so rich in itself that it is capable of forcing so many lost souls to think it is everything"?

Society is truly tearing us apart and slowing us down, petal by pedal... 

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani 

Yellow Light

I have noticed the different forms of yellow lights that we point our fingers at in relationships, whether it be between family, friends or a significant other. We all speak or don't speak on something that we carry within, by looking without. We judge the way others do something that we don't do. I said to a family member of mine the other day. "The faults that you focus on in someones life can easily be focused on somewhere different in your own". I said that with love to be an example that perfection is non-existence and what makes one so sure that another person's problem is worth sharing and yellow flagging for fixing more than their own?

Her lips formed to share with me
the faults in her friends
the mistakes they made and still make
proud there she stood
I could not resist
I had to be the barer of bad news
the mistakes and downfalls that you share about another life
somewhere, some how fit into your own
but she did this....
before she could even finish her sentence I asked
and what have you ever done
what do you fear to do
what makes her mistakes so much more important
that you chose not to share your own
silence settle in her throat
the silence that causes you to swallow
and the thump is heard
often we need someone
something else
to find fault in

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

Motorcycle

I made a comment,
I spoke to soon,
I could have rethought some things through
I assumed what must be
or what could have been
I wasn't prepared for something as shockin
I don't understand why he would ride his bike on such a rainy day
Uttered out my mouth
I meant no harm and none was taken by others
In fact a few agreed with me
But this one person spoke just enough
To make me realize the power of changed thought
For some people that's their only means of transportation
Thankful for the moment of justice
I thought to question, he thought of an accepting answer

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani