Friday, February 8, 2013

Sit In The Space, Don't Sulk In The Void

A moment of honesty, so I decided to write about it.

I could never sit
not even as a child
I assume that's where I got the nickname 'boom'
I was told that I was so sure about walking that I took off at any chance given
and in a matter of moments
boom I went
why couldn't I just sit
I wonder if it hurt the first time
did it hurt Ebony
I wouldn't be able to answer that question
I was too young then
although I have found a book that takes you back to infant age and allows you to experience feelings you didn't realize you hid
oh well, who cares right now
so I didn't sit, I'm not sitting now either
I can't, I don't like it
to just sit
I use to love Admin positions
I don't any more
I don't think I have told myself that though
typing from my desk
I move around often
take trips to the bathroom and all the other departments
not to chat though
there is a lot of space here so why not walk around
I desire to be seen
I've always blamed it on the Leo in me
I'm no Lion though
a preacher a while ago told me I was
and I think for an entire day I felt so powerful yet calm
I carry their characteristics
my hair can be blow dried to the point of fluff
I love that look too
and my "I Love My Hair" shirt matches it perfectly
there's a void though
there has always been one
something is always missing
something will always be missing though
in my life, your life, their life, his life, her life, the entire world is missing something
a new pen, a dog, a cat, a bill, a dollar, a car, a spouse, a friend, a family member
I missed something the other day
can't even remember what it was
again, who cares
I sulk in voids
cause its not the missing things that bring me pain
it's the void
did you not know voids are things
they are late night drinks to soothe the thought
I've seen a friend love that void
they are unwanted/needed friends with benefits
seen that void too
they are drugs, it is shopping, it is food, it is lies, it is thoughts
it is too much for me to handle I am starting to notice
cause I don't write the checks here
I don't even have checks anymore
everything is automated
so why void
sulking in the void
because we know we don't need it
we know we would be better off without it
but it does fill something
what is it filling though
cause its nothing like what's missing
it's like a low grade of what is missing
I don't want to sulk anymore
so I can't do voids
I make it sound like a drug huh
I guess in a sense it is
it's an addiction to fill
I'm full though, I have no more desires...

(c) since 2011 Ebony Larijani

No comments:

Post a Comment