These past few weeks I have been reflecting on friendships and family relationships. I thought back over the past years and what friends/family are still in my life and which ones are not. I thought about that first love that I remember crying for once and thought I would never live without him. That was in High School and I seem to have lived very well without him. I thought about all the female friends that I have and how I have never had many. I remember in High School females labeled me simply because I chose to hang with the males over the females. To this day I still favor my male friendships over most female ones, don't ask me why. Maybe the females are too much like me and putting up with me can be ruff at times. I thought about the friends/family that transitioned with me on the same route I was trying to reach. The family/friends that moved on before I realized things and lovingly enough they grabbed my attention and showed me a different way to life.
And then I thought about all of the family/friends that I felt really left me. I became angry and I skimmed through my facebook/twitter pages and with anger I thought "these friends/family that left me and moved on in life had someone by their side when doing this" whether it be a spouse, another friend or a family member. I felt they walked away from me because they no longer needed me. And how easy it must be to move on when you have that spouse/friend/family by your side. If you know me then you can imagine my pain/anger. "What, they don't need me, aren't I fun, aren't I worth having around". I quickly stopped myself because I know we are to always choose love and I had to release this hate.
I ran to a love place, my bible and came across some writings I had done a while ago, this is what I began to read. "You are like a Lion, you sit amongst yourself, you are fearless and loving, you are a nurturer and if needed you will raise to all four and seek, devour and protect. If need be you will rise to your hind legs and in defense you will attack. But there are moments you will not be needed and you will enjoy being alone, because a Lion understands aloneness and uses that time to remain still, confident and strong." Whoa! When did I write that? I often look back over my writings and either cry or am moved by my own words. And this moved me.
So what if people had moved on without me, I, the Lion have not been in the same place all my life, which means I too have moved on without someone. Have I ever been used by family/friends, sure I have; who hasn't! Will I be used again, more than likely. Were there times that I wasn't used at all, of course. I was where I was suppose to be in a friend/family relationship and then it was time to move on! Do I have friends/family that I speak to every day, yes. Do I have friends/family that I speak to monthly, yes. Do I have friends/family that I haven't spoken to in years and then we catch back up like just yesterday we saw each other, yes. Do I have friends/family that are out my life, yes. This is life isn't it. We connect, we mingle, we experience, we gather, we move, we let go, we keep. The funny thing is we don't know which connection will play out in what part.
So here I am physically without a lot of people that I once that I needed right beside me. I now understand lonely and solitude, for I placed myself in both. See everything is a choice with ourselves. No one has the power to control anothers life. If I chose to keep people in my life they are with me, whether they are phyically standing by me or simply within my heart, they are there.
So as I realized this in my moment of anger, I let my ego go, and stopped speaking out of hate, putting these people down as if I knew whether they walked away from me with someone by their side or not. The ego loves to judge and create whatever need be. I than smiled in gratitude that connections were met and I rested in knowing God is promising.
P.S. - In completion of this blog I had a friend text me a sweet mid-day "hello" text and included a bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Like I said God is promising and always on time might I add.
(c) 2011 Ebony Larijani
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